Indiana Jones Returns!

Raiders of the Lost Ark burst into theaters in 1981, introducing the world to Henry “Indiana” Jones. The globetrotting, adventure-seeking archaeologist became a cinematic icon, along with his trademark fedora and whip. Raiders spawned a lackluster sequel (Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom) and a decent third film (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade). Since then, aborted ideas for a fourth film have kicked around Hollywood for years in what is called “development hell.” Now, almost 20 years later, Harrison Ford, Steven Spielberg, and George Lucas have brought out the new chapter, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

We catch up with Indiana Jones in 1957, when he is kidnapped and taken to a Nevada Air Force base warehouse by a Russian agent named Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett). Spalko is interested in the paranormal powers of a mysterious crystal skull, and she wants Jones to help her find it. He does, but escapes and is soon contacted by a young man named Mutt, bearing a suitably cryptic message from a long-lost fellow archaeologist. It seems the man has been kidnapped while searching in South America for a fabled lost city, which somehow later ties in with the afore-mentioned crystal skull. Indy heads down there, accompanied by Mutt and trailed by Spalko and the Russians. Along the way he reunites with Marion, his love interest from Raiders, and the team sets about finding his friend and the crystal skull. (By the way, I wrote a column on the real crystal skulls that Indiana Jones refers to in the film---and that inspired George Lucas for this story. You can find it at www.LiveScience.com.)

Was the film worth the two-decade wait? In a word, no. It’s not a bad film, it’s just not very good. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has the definite feel of self-parody. The film is basically a formulaic retread of other films in the series. There are of course several homages to Raiders, but there’s little new.

Not that the script doesn’t try to bring in new ideas; no, there are plenty of those. The new film deals with 1950s anti-Communism hysteria, atomic bomb testing, the lost city of El Dorado, the 1947 Roswell “UFO” crash, a mysterious elongated crystal skull, family dynamics, a friend’s betrayal, FBI agents, and so on. The plot gets more outlandish and silly as it goes on, and the ending seemed spliced in from another film entirely. They throw in everything but the kitchen sink, hoping that something in there will make a good story--- wait, hold on, I just remembered, there is a scene with a kitchen sink!

The chase and fight sequences are too numerous, and drawn out far too long. I can envision an early draft of the carefully-guarded script: On every fifth page there is a line that reads, “((INSERT GENERIC CHASE SEQUENCE HERE)),” and sure enough, screenwriter David Koepp and George Lucas went back and on the next draft made sure that someone was chasing someone for some reason. It didn’t matter if it had anything to do with the story, as long as there was action every few minutes.

Another problem is that Indiana Jones has somehow become Superman since the last film. The escapes by Indy and company from certain death become so routine that there is no emotional investment. Poison darts, machine gun fire, car crashes, explosions, fights, killer ants, even an atomic bomb barely ruffles our beloved grizzled adventurer. By being invincible, Indiana Jones loses his humanity; he becomes a character in a video game that we know will never die or even get seriously injured, no matter how grave the peril. The character’s hairbreadth escapes have always been there, of course, but never have they been so frequent or so boring.

The acting is fine; Ford, at 66, is more than up to the task and could easily play the role for another ten years—if he’s given a good script. Then there’s rising star Shia LeBeouf, as Mutt, who may or may not be (okay, spoiler alert, he is) Indy’s son. As far as sidekicks go, Mutt is considerably less annoying than the insufferable Short Round from Temple of Doom (the Scrappy Doo of Indiana Jones mythos), but hardly fit to fill Indy’s fedora. Mutt’s first appearance, as a tough punk / Marlon Brando wannabe is laughable. Another actor could have pulled it off, but when LeBeouf tries to project cockiness, he just comes off as an idiot. Karen Allen, Indy’s love interest from Raiders, is back, and provides a bit of comic relief.

I’d be really curious to know what scripts they rejected in favor of this one; there must have been at least a dozen versions floating around, and I can’t believe all of them were worse than this. I’m up for Indiana Jones Part V if they tone down the chases and special effects and get back to the man beneath the hype.